EXT. GALAPAGOS LODGING - NIGHT
A series of single-story, rectangular log cabins. Joey and Chandalf stand on the porch, each smoking a cigarette. They look out on the Galapagos beach, the waves crashing onto it.
CHANDALF
Look at those waves, Joe. Beating themselves
against the shore. One after the other. For all time.
JOEY
Until the ends of the earth.
CHANDALF
Remember your love of Doritoes? Your hunger
for those savory chips was insatiable.
JOEY
I recall you hiding a bag from me once, in the name
of comedy.
CHANDALF
We did many things in the name of comedy.
JOEY
For amusement.
CHANDALF
Mirthful circumstances are in short supply
these days, my old friend. Remembering your
affection for Doritoes snacks is the happiest
thought I’ve had in months, maybe years.
JOEY
I wish we had some Doritoes snacks now.
Rachel enters. She also smokes a cigarette.
RACHEL
Curfew, boys. We have a long day ahead of
us if we want to reunite with Monica.
Chandalf takes a drag, he says nothing.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
They have your son too, Chandalf. DOn’t
forget that.
CHANDALF
How could I? I don’t appreciate being patronized.
RACHEL
You;d be wise to count me among your
allies, Chandalf. I know Joey does. Just ask him.
CHANDALF
We were the seven friends, like seven hearts
beating as one. Now I barely know if my own
heart is beating.
RACHEL
You make no acknowledgment of my claims to Joey.
CHANDALF
I don’t make claims to anyone anymore.
Except for my son. And Monica was last
before him.
RACHEL
Will you do what needs to be done? If it
comes to that?
Chandalf drops his cigarette. He stamps it out.
CHANDALF
Survival of the fittest. It’s written all over this
island.
Chandalf walks away, into his room, leaving Joey and Rachel.
RACHEL
Will I be sleeping alone tonight?
JOEY
Phobe tells me that Rud is powerful in the
ways of lovemaking.
RACHEL
He is a famous actor. Rud is in movies.
JOEY
You think that answers my question?
RACHEL
I know that it does. But have you answered
mine? Will I sleep alone?
JOEY
I have already seen it. This island lets me.
I retire alone now, but I seek you out in the
restless night.
RACHEL
I will be ready to receive you.
Rachel bites Joey’s earlobe, then leaves. Joey exhales.
INT. RUD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Phobe lies in Rud’s arms, under the covers, having just finished a session of lovemaking.
PAUL RUD
Did you know my first time acting on film
was a story about Galapagos?
PHOBE
I’ve seen it. I watched it once, when you
were asleep.
PAUL RUD
Did you enjoy it?
PHOBE
You were virile. Then as you are now.
PAUL RUD
The set was meant to imitate this island,
but it does not do it justice.
PHOBE
Your films are injustice?
PAUL RUD
I am a famous actor. Justice does not
concern me on the screen. But it concerns
me here. I fear our extraction of Monica
will provide a surprise.
PHOBE
W’re marching in blind.
PAUL RUD
Rachel and Ross have confidence. They
think Monica is the captive. I fear she may
the captor.
PHOBE
Captor of who?
PAUL RUD
Maybe of us.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Ross sits alone at a bar. The BARTENDER leans against the wall, polishing glasses.
BARTENDER
Not tired yet, huh?
ROSS
I don’t require much sleep. Especially
not at a time like this.
BARTENDER
Gotta stay sharp, yes? Keep your wits
about you?
ROSS
If that’s a byproduct, I can be amenable.
BARTENDER
Let me ask you a riddle then, if clarity is
your endgame -- what helps the afflicted
see, and has been inside what you seek to
be in now?
ROSS
Your words confuse me.
BARTENDER
Do you not see what is right in front of you?
ROSS
You?
BARTENDER
Why don’t you recognize me? Why don’t
you see my mustache?
ROSS
Richard Mustache.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Yes, Ross. IT’s me, Richard Mustache. I
help people see, and I was used to be inside
what you now seek to be inside of again.
ROSS
So she is on this island.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
That’s what brought me here. That’s what
led me to open this humble tavern.
ROSS
Business is booming. THose tortosies are a
thirsty crowd.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Spare me your saracaasm, Brother Gellar.
ROSS
How many times does she have to spurn
your desires before you give up? Move on
with your life, Mustache Richard.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
She travels to a new plane of being. Things
will be different in the new plane. She will
need a companion.
ROSS
You know nothing of what you speak.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Where do you hope to find her?
ROSS
The jungle.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Ha. The jungle. I’ve combed that jungle.
ROSS
You’ve tried. The jungle is vast. I doubt
you’ve seen much of it.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Why do you think your efforts can exceed
mine? My eyes are unparalelled? I’m an
eye doctor, you think I wouldn’t enhance
my own vison? You’ll never find her.
ROSS
Perhaps I come equipped with something
beyond sight.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
There is nothing beyond sight, Brother
Gellar. From one doctor to another, one
scientist to another, let’s agree to stop
playing games. Sight is king of the senses.
The peak of evolution.
Ross tips back the rest of his drink, places the glass gently on the bar.
ROSS
In the land of blind, the one-eyed man is king.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
No one here is blind, Brother Gellar.
ROSS
Don’t be so sure.
CUT TO:
EXT. CABIN DOOR - NIGHT
Joey stands in front of a door. He twists the handle, the door glides open.
RACHEL
(from the darkness of the room) You
found me again.
JOEY
I was guided here somehow. I can find you.
RACHEL
It is your gift.
JOEY
I hesitate to call it that.
RACHEL
Your heart leads you to me.
JOEY
I fear it is something else.
RACHEL
I know what you speak of. And now
come and ravish me with it.
INT. CAFETERIA - MORNING
The six friends sit at a long table with plates of eggs.
PAUL RUD
Finish yor chicken eggs. The guide
will be here soon.
RACHEL
We didn’t agree to a guide.
PAUL RUD
The jungles are dense, unexplored.
The origins of eveolution lie in that
rainforest. WE may have many skills
and talents between us, but we are
strangers in a strange land.
ROSS
This land is in all of us.
BLACK MAN (O.S.)
But I’m the only one ON this land,
motherfucker.
They all turn to look at the guide. Paul Rud smiles.
PAUL RUD
Samuel Jackson.
BLACK MAN (SAMUEL JACKSON)
Damn right, motherfucker.
PAUL RUD
Another famous movie actor. And a famous
guide of Galapagos.
CHANDALF
His skin. What gives it that color? Some
curious galapagos affliction?
PAUL RUD
Diversity. Beyond the seven friends there
are great unseen wonders of appearance.
CHANDALF
Is his skin in pain?
SAMUEL JACKSON
My skin’s a-okay, motherfucer. Worry a
little more about those chicken egg,s and
a little less about my motherfucking skin.
RACHEL
I like his coarse manner with language. It
stirs something in me.
JOEY
Do you say such things to tease me?
RACHEL
I speak the truth, Joey. All the friends
know I speak the turth.
Joey looks over at Phobe. Phobe shakes her head.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Any moreof those chicken eggs,
mothterfucker?
PAUL RUD
Take mine, Samuel. You are the giver
of diversity to all things, the least I can
repay you with is to then give you my
chiekn eggs.
EXT. GALAPAGOS TOWN - DAY
The six friends walk through the busy but small Galapagos village. NATIVES walk past them. Carts and street vendors line the road.
PHOBE
Will we hire a car?
SAMUEL JACKSON
A car? Motherfucker, there are not
roads in the jungle. We’re getting a
boat and we’re getting on teh river.
ROSS
Upriver. Salt water mixing with the
fresh. Chaos meeting civilization.
The known becoming the unknown.
PAUL RUD
Humans have barely explored the
Galapagos since Darwin. Theyve been
content to make their villages on the
outskirts of the jungle, trade their goods,
eat their food. Living out their days at the
foot of a mystery.
JOEY
Not unlike the citizens of America?
CHANDALF
The citizens of the world. We all cloes
ourself off to the wonders of nature.
JOEY
You’re beginning to understand that,
Chandalf?
CHANDALF
My son is all the truth I need. That
escaped me for so long. If I keep him
in my mind, everything is worth doing
to get him back.
They approach a long dock sticking out in the river. FISHERMAN fish, WOMEN sell fish and other seafood. A few OLD THIN MEN stand by their motorboats.
SAMUEL JACKSON
W’eve come to the docks, motheruckers.
Rud, hand me your money and I’ll hire a
ride into the wilderness.
PAUL RUD
You have money, Jackson. Youre’ a famous
actor since before even me.
SAMUEL JACKSON
I’m the motherfucking guide. You already
hired me, now youre gonna hire a motherfucking
boat.
SAmuel Jackson takes dollars from Rud and walks over to the boat captains.
JOEY
None of the boats are for sale to us.
ROSS
What did you say, Joseph?
Samuel Jackson walks back over to the friends.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Well, I’ve got good motherfucking news
and bad motherfucking news. The bad
news is those Somalia-looking motherfuckers
over there can;t sell us the boats. The good
news is, they told me who owns ‘em all and
can sell one.
PHOBE
Whose the proprietor?
SAMUEL JACKSON
Some motherfucker named...Richard Mustache.
INT. RICHARD MUSTACHE’S BAR - DAY
Richard Mustache polishes a glass as all the friends enter the bar.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
I thought I’d be seeing you all soon. What
are we drinking?
ROSS
Enough with the games Richard Mustache.
I guess we were both playing our cards close
to our chest last night.
JOEY
New ROss, you knew Richard Mustache
was here?
RICHARD MUSTACHE
What do you mean New Ross?
ROSS
You’re an eye man, Richard Mustache?
Didn’t you see my blue eyes? I’m a clone.
Ross is dead. God is dead. Long live Ross.
Long live God.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
And to Galapagos the prodigal son returns.
The end of mankind comes to gaze backward
to the dawn of the species.
RACHEL
His mustache, it stirs something within me.
PAUL RUD
I have American dollars, Richard Mustache.
How many do you require for a seaworthy boat?
We just need a stable craft of medium size.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Rud, I know you’re a fmaous movie actor, but
you can keep your checkbook in your back pocket.
JOEY
He wants to come with us.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Just like it used to be. The eight friends. The
eight of us. We need to find Monica. She was
our leader. She completes the circle.
PHOBE
You betray yourself. We were a circle, not an
octagon.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
My offer is final. Take me with you and a
vessel is yours.
ROSS
How do we know you won’t stab us in the back?
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Once we retrieve Monica it all will align. I will
have no need for the duplicitous tactics of this plane.
SAMUEL JACKSON
You speak of the astral plane, motherfucker?
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Why else would Monica come to its gateway?
Why else would I follow her here?
SAMEL JACKSON
That’s an old saggy-titted wives tale,
motherfucker.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Do we have a deal? Rud? New Ross?
PAUL RUD
I guess if you’re coming along, then we
should get the next bigger size of boat.
EXT. THE GALAPAGOS RIVER - DAY
The six friends, Samel Jackson and Richard Mustache in a speedboat, skim upriver. The jungle drapes over both sides of the river. The sun beats down on them.
PAUL RUD
New Ross, do you think she’s established
herself by the river?
RICHARD MUSTACHE
If she did I would have found her by now.
PAUL RUD
I didn’t ask you, Richard Mustache.
ROSS
My guess is no better than your’s, Rud.
Ask Joey.
JOEY
I don’t know. I can’t feel anything.
RACHEL
You can’t? Or you don’t want to?
JOEY
I only feel that we’re here.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Does he think himself Plato?
RACHEL
Not Plato...Merlin.
ROSS
You’ll be thankful he’s in our company later.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
We’ll all be thankful to be in Moncia’s
company when the time of the astral plane
arrives.
PHOBE
Your philosophy unnerves me, Mustache.
Like a spider along my spine.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Is your equilibrium so fragile that a
window to the next plane challenges
your well-being?
PHOBE
You take her words and promises like
a drug. That I recognize. Your addiction
is familiar to me.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Addiction will be nothing more than a
baby crying for his bottle in the eternity
of the astral plane.
PAUL RUD
(pointing) Look. Something ahead.
The jungle recedes, revealing a portion of sandy beach fifty meters long.
CHANDALF
A beach of stones?
SAMUEL JACKSON
Those aren’t stones, motherfucker.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Tortoises.
At the sound of the speedboat, the tortoises perk up, extend their necks. There are hundreds of them and they descend into the river.
RACHEL
What is this formation?
The boat skims along normally for a moment, before WHAM, encoutnering the hard shell of a giant Galapagos tortoise.
The boat careens, but stays upright. Then it HITS another tortoise. The next one CRACKS the boat hull. Water starts to rush in.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Get us to shore, motherfucker!
Ross cuts the wheel hard, sending the boat speeding toward the beach. Another DIRECT HIT from a tortoise SNAPS the front of the boat off, into the water.
All the people in the boat tumble out into the water, with the tortises.
COMMERCIAL
EXT. RIVER/BEACH - DAY
The friends swim toward the shore. A tortoise BITES Samel jackson on the hand.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Motherfucker bit me.
PHOBE
Swim to shore, Sam. You can get medical
attention once we’re all safe.
The friends swim to the shore. They collapse on the beach, panting, out of breath.
Out on the river, the boat EXPLODES, sending nearby tortoises flying through the air.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Now that’s what I call motherfucking turtle soup.
PHOBE
It was almost as if those tortoises let us escape.
They cleared a path for us to shore once we
were in the water and the boat wasn’t a threat.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
I told you this was harder than you thought.
PHOBE
New Ross, I know you’re a scientist, did
those tortoises seem to be behaving in a
strange way?
ROSS
That’s just what I was thinking. They stopped
us. They worked as a team. They thought
together, as one.
CHANDALF
Like the friends used to do.
JOEY
Like the friends will do again.
CHANDALF
Look around, Joey. We’re stranded out here.
In the middle of the jungle. WE forgot to bring
any food or any water, no weapons, our boat
just got destroyed. We’re shit out of luck.
RACHEL
Shut up, Chandalf. Stop freaking out. Samel
jackson, Let me take a look at that hand.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Just a little cut.
RACHEL
You didn’t call me motherfcuker.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Maybe I see you a little differently that
the rest of these motherfuckers. Is that so
impossible to believe? Jsut because I’m a
famous actor?
RACHEL
Maybe not.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Do you know me?
RACHEL
I’ve seen your posters.
SAMUEL JACKSON
My movie posters?
RACHEL
Your wanted posters.
JOEY
Wanted posters?
PAUL RUD
Spare me the eagle scout act, Joey. We’ve
all got our demons and shameful pasts.
Wat did you think Smuel Jackson was
doing out here anyway? A famous actor?
Living on Galapagos?
ROSS
It may be where the cavemen were born,
but it’s where actors come to die.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Fuck you, motherfucker. I didn’t come
here to die. I came here to live. THis island
has properties, things I can’t explain. You
think all there is to life is being in
mothrefucking movies?
ROSS
I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t know.
SAMUEL JACKSON
I don’t believe in the motherfucking astral
plane or that shit, but there’s something here.
I came to find out. I feel better every day.
My heart rate is lower, I’m two inches taller,
my cholesterol is down.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Maybe your hair will grow back.
CHANDALF
Maybe your skin will change color.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Fuck both you all motherfuckers.
PHOBE
Where to now?
SAMUEL JACKSON
Where else? INto the jungle. You think
I’m taking my chances with those torise
motherfuckers?
RICHARD MUSTACHE
It’s all part of her plan. The tortosies do
her bidding.
SAMUEL JACKSON
Someone tell that motherfucker to shut
his mouth.
RACHEL
I think you just did.
Rachel takes Samuel Jackson’s other hand. Joey sees this. He looks at Phobe, she nods.
JOEY
Wait.
CHANDALF
What?
JOEY
It’s not time for the jungle yet.
SAMUEL JACKSON
You need a motherfucking suntan first,
motherfucker?
JOEY
No, first....we Need to dig.
EXT. BEACH - LATER
Ross and Rud dig with their hands through the sand. The others wait, they’ve all been taking turns. The hole is a few feet deep.
PAUL RUD
There’s something here.
ROSS
I feel it too! Joey, your intuition was correct.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
I’m beginning to see why our chances of
success together are increased with this crew.
CHANDALF
What is it?
Rud and Ross pull out an old treasure chest. Sand pours off of it as they hoist it out of the hole.
JOEY
I’m afraid to open it.
PHOBE
But it was you who it called to?
JOEY
It didn’t call to me. I just saw it. Does a
door call to be opened? No, you just see it,
walk to it.
CHANDALF
Why do the contents of this chest irk you?
JOEY
Because I know we cannot make sense of it.
It will harm us.
RACHEL
You suggest we bury it again? Leave it on
the beach for the next band of travelers to
open?
ROSS
This is lunacy. We dug with our hands,
spent energy to unearth this. What kind of
paleontologist digs up a tresure and then
pursues it no further?
PAUL RUD
Open it then, NEw Ross. You have the
identical face to Ross, perhaps you have
more of his courage.
PHOBE
Or maybe more of his foolhardy.
ROSS
Ross was a God. In his image I am made,
in his wisdom he will reveal himself in time.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
I’m going to open the chest.
ROSS
Stick to your sticking place, Mustache.
I will open it.
Ross yanks open the heavy lid of the chest and peers inside. He pauses, confused. He reaches in and pulls out the only thing inside it:
Friends -- Season One, on DVD.
ROSS (CONT’D)
What is this sorcery?
RICHARD MUSTACHE
Why are your faces on that thin box?
SAMUEL JACKSON
Why does that box call you motherfuckers friends?
PAUL RUD
This is some Photographyshop trickery. Famous
actors are no strangers to the potential of PhotographShop.
Phobe takes and opens the DVD box, begins to look through it.
PHOBE
The events of our lives. The very events of our lives.
ROSS
Perhaps Ross left this for me, a method of giving me t
he memories of his I could never have.
RICHARD MUSTACHE
It is from Monica. From the astral plane.
CHANDALF
I fear I may be still in the asylum. In reality, are
there walls mere feet from my outstretched hands?
Is this quest a fiction of my mind?
JOEY
Put that worry to bed, Chandalf. We are all here
and this is real. Though I would be less worried if
we were in fact figments of your imagination.
Phobe looks at her photo on the box, then she looks around the scene, across the river, up to the sky, toward the jungle.
PHOBE
To call it just a haunting would fall short. It's a
spiritual haunting, a haunting of humanity’s soul.
This place. Did we come to it? Or did it bring
us itself?
END OF APISODE 2
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