EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
New York city. The city that never sleeps. The Big Apple.
An alleyway from hell. Cardbord boexs. Rats. A wind blows off the docks and sends old newspapers fluttering.
A MAN hurries through the darkness, toward the alley. He wears a long peacoat. He stops and looks up, the moonlight catches his face -- it’s ROSS. His expression is serious, his eyes are an intense, puzzling blue.
Ross walks with purpose past a dumpster. A light misting rain touches his face. He sees a big cardboard box up ahead. He walks over to it, looks down.
ROSS
You’re lucky I specialize in digging
up artifacts.
Reveal that there are feet sticking out from the bottom of the carboard box. A person! Ross taps the box with his foot. The person inside pushes the box off -- JOEY. He looks terrible, like we’ve never seen him before. A shaggy beard and dirty face. Joey is homeless.
Joey looks up, squinting, he rubs his eyes, he cant believe them.
JOEY
RosS?
ROSS
Like a vaguely familiar melody, floating
out of the radio in some lonely diner.
JOEY
What are you doing here?
ROSS
I’ll be there for you. Those words mean
anything to you?
JOEY
Maybe they did, once. Like a whisper
from a forgotten dream. No...from a nightmare.
ROSS
It’s time to come with me, Joseph. The sun’s
coming up. This is the one with the new
beginning.
JOEY
There is something unsettling about you, Ross.
Something more than the years, something
otherworldly.
ROSS
You were always smarter than the other friends
gave you credit for, Joseph. At least, that’s what
Ross told me.
JOEY
What do you mean? What Ross told you?
You are Ross.
ROSS
I may appear as Ross to you, I may possess
his face, his DNA, but not his essence. Ross
died, Joseph. But not before he replicated his
genome. Not before he copied his cells.
JOEY
Don’t speak of impenetrable science to me.
This is the street, not a laboratory.
ROSS
Life is a labrartory, that’s what Ross understood.
I’m his clone, Joseph. I may not posses all his
memories, but I have knowledge, intelligence.
JOEY
Hocus pocus. I’ll never believe that.
ROSS
You already do.
JOEY
What do you want with me?
ROSS
The friends, Joseph. Don’t you see?
The friends need to find themselves again.
And this time, what’s at stake may be far
beyond what we ever imagined.
JOEY
Don’t you read the papers, New Ross?
I’m finished, kaput. The great Tribbiani, sex addict.
ROSS
We can work through it. You’re not in this alone.
JOEY
I can’t live in the real world. Sex is everything.
A magnetic pull I can’t overcome -- soft bodies
and all conusming releases. I can’t control it.
Living like this is the only cure.
ROSS
Friendship is the cure, Joe.
JOEY
Don’t talk to me about friendship. The
warning signs were there. You all saw
who I was, what I could turn into. You
laughed, you ridiculed. Look at me now.
ROSS
You can invite everyone to your pity party
later. WE’ve got work to do.
JOEY
I don’t owe you anything.
ROSS
Maybe so. But does the name Chandalf
mean anything to you?
Joey’s eyes spark with a light we’ve not yet seen.
JOEY
Chandalf?
ROSS
He needs you, Joseph. He needs his Joey.
JOEY
I guess you have my attention after all,New Ross.
Why can’t you find him alone?
ROSS
Oh, finding him’s not the problem. The
problem is that he doesn’t want to have
anythung to do with me.
JOEY
And why might that be? Becase you’re a goddam clone?
ROSS
No. Because I stole his wife.
SMASH CUT TO:
I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU.
This is the firends from televison and this is their theme song. They have rainbow unbrellas even though it’s not raining. BUt there is a fountian. Their adventures continue.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM - DAY
A solitary confinement room. It’s CHANDALF, his head shaved, in a stright-jakcet. He’s crazy all right. One flew over the cuckoo’s nest, and his name is Chandalf Bing.
INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY
Ross and Joey sit at a table. An ASYLUM HELPER takes away a tray with their keys and wallets and shoes.
JOEY
I just don’t understand. She’s your sister.
It’s wrong.
ROSS
She’s not my sister. She was Ross’s sister.
JOEY
Pick a side, New Ross. Are you Ross or
aren’t you?
ROSS
You already answered your own question.
I’m New Ross. I have no parents, I have no sister.
Ross made me. He is my God.
JOEY
I think, in a way, he was all of our Gods.
I see that now.
ROSS
He was always the sceientist. A paleontologist,
but more than that. What is paleontology? The
study of dinosaurs? The study of bones? WE
evolved from the dinosaurs, we have their bones
in our bodies.
JOEY
Ross was destined for great things. This proves it.
You’re the first of your kind, NEw Ross.
ROSS
The Mayflower Project. A new world. He
fashioned me in his image. The Adam of Manhattan.
JOEY
I still can’t believe it. But what killed him?
ROSS
That’s the irony. He was sick, a tumor. He made
me to live forever, but the quest ended up killing
him first. He was obsessed.
JOEY
You’re oedipus. You kileld Ross, your father,
you married your mother, Monica.
ROSS
She’s not my mother. She’s my lover. Something
you may have forgotten about. But you sure know
sex. Carnal desire.
JOEY
I don’t need you to tell me what I am.
ROSS
When Ross died, Monica lost a part of herself, a
big part of herself. When i rose again, that part
filled in differently. Her feelings for me couldn’t
be curbed. IT was too much.
JOEY
It’s never enough.
ROSS
It can be this time.
A door opens and a ASYLUM WORKER steps out.
ASYLUM WORKER
Chandalf is ready to see you. AS ready as he’ll
ever be.
JOEY
That’s a human being in there.
ASYLUM WORKER
...is it?
INT. HALLWAY TO CHANDALF’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
JOEY
You put him in here.
ROSS
Love has casualties.
JOEY
So does war.
ROSS
I’m not here to talk politics and the meaning
of life. You need to get your friend back.
INT. CHANDALF’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Joey pushes the door open to see Chandalf for the first time. It’s hard for him. Joey fingers the cross he wears as a necklace around his neck. Chandalf drools.
JOEY
Hey buddy. Long time no see.
But Chandalf doesn’t respond. Can he even hear his friend?
JOEY (CONT’D)
Look, someone strange brought me here, maybe
someone you don’t like. Someone you probably
even hate. But I’m not here for him. I’m here for you.
Joey pauses, hearing his own words.
JOEY (CONT’D)
I’m here for you. I’m there for you.
Joey steps over to Candalf. Joey puts his hands on Chandalf’s shoulders.
JOEY (CONT’D)
I’m everywhere for you. I’m fucking everywhere
for you.
But Chandalf’s eyes are blank. Joey sighs. He stands and walks toward the door.
CHANDALF
No one told me.
Joey stops. he turns around.
JOEY
What did you just say?
CHANDALF
No one told me.
JOEY
No one told you? No one told you what?
Chandalf is quiet again. Joey rushes over, shakes him.
JOEY (CONT’D)
What didn’t they tell you? What, Chandalf?
TAlk to me. No one told you?
CHANDALF
No one told me...life was going to be this way.
A tear appears on Joey’s cheek. He hugs Chandalf.
JOEY
I belive, Chandalf. You made me believe again.
EXT. INSANE ASYLUM - DAY
Chandalf now wears white pants and a white shirt, but the straight-jacket is gone. He’s a free man. He walks proudly, Joey at his side.
Chandalf freezes when he sees Ross, leaning against a Mercedes Benz SLS AMG convertible.
ROSS
Good to see you out of those old clothes,
Chandalf. I always thought they were too...
constricting on you.
CHANDALF
You’re a monster, Ross. Don;t think I’ve
forgeten. I may have lost my mind, but only
temporarily. My memories didn’t go anywhere.
ROSS
Call it what you want, Chandalf. But the time
has come for us to bury the hatchet. We need
to work together.
CHANDALF
I don’t need anything from you.
ROSS
Monica says hello.
CHANDALF
Don’t you even say her fucking name.
ROSS
You could never compete, Chandalf. DOn’t
blame us for that.
JOEY
Blame can devour a life.
CHANDALF
How about we say I won’t wring your
goddamn neck and we go from there
for now?
ROSS
Compromise. Now there’s the Chandalf
I remember.
JOEY
I thought you didn’t have memories of us, Ross?
ROSS
There’s a lot of things you’ll find out about me.
Ross winks. Then get’s in the driver’s seat. Chandalf looks at Joey.
JOEY
You can trust me. But I don’t trust him.
CHANDALF
Trust is just a word you learn in therapy.
Chandalf walks toward the car, leaving a surprised Joey.
EXT. MANSION - DAY
It’s a big house, secluded. The HAmptons. Chandalf looks around, he’s confused.
CHANDALF
What is this house? Am I still insane?
ROSS
We’re all insane for what we’re about to
walk into.
JOEY
I’m not sure I like the sound of that.
ROSS
Oh, Joey, let me be the first to tell you --
you are definitely not going to like it.
EXT. MANSION, THE POOL - MOMENTS LATER
Ross leads them out through big doors toward a pool area with hedges all around it. At the sound of the doors, the owners of the house stand up (they had been sunbathing by the pool in their swimsuits) and greet their guests -- it’s PHOBE, RACHEL, and PAUL RUD.
PAUL RUD
What a merry reunion this is.
ROSS
Long overdue. Like a library book you
lost in your car.
RACHEL
(laughs) Looks like Ross managed to
clone his comedy.
Joey stares at Rachel and Phobe in their bathing suits. He shuts his eyes tightly, trying to block out the sex thoughts.
CHANDALF
Joe, you okay?
PAUL RUD
What’s wrong, Trib? You forget what a
beautiful woman looks like?
CHANDALF
Don’t talk to him, Rud. Whatever you
have to say goes through me. What the
fuck is going on here?
PAUL RUD
Don’t want to rub it in your wifeless face,
Chandalf, but I’ve succeeded twice where
you didn’t succeed at all.
CHANDALF
That’s a lie.
PAUL RUD
Tell him, Phobe.
PHOBE
Didn’t you ever learn to share?
Chandalf stares at Ross, who stares back.
ROSS
He learned. Maybe too well.
CHANDALF
You’ve really gotten around the friends,
Rachel. Ross, Joey, Rud...the only one
you never had was me.
RACHEL
I think we both know I could have.
CHANDALF
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Rachel walks over toward Chandalf and Joey.
RACHEL
Surely Joey can tell you how great it was.
How much he misses it.
JOEY
Stop it. Stop talking.
RACHEL
Come on, Joey. You must think about me
sometimes still.
JOEY
I don’t think about anything. Those are
the good days.
PAUL RUD
How about one last spin, Joey? I’d be a
hypocrite not to let you two soak it in
one last time.
JOEY
Fuck you, Rud.
RACHEL
What are you afraid of? Falling back
down to rock bottom? Doesn’t look
that far from where you are. I’ll give
you a sponge bath, wipe some of that
dirt off your face.
JOEY
You disgust me.
RACHEL
I disugst you? You’re an animal. You
live in cage, on the street, like a wild dog.
JOEY
I’d rather be a wild dog than Rud’s
second bitch.
PAUL RUD
Watch your tongue, Trib. We’re having fun
for now, but that can change real fast.
RACHEL
Things are wonderful here, Joey. Or have
you forgotten what soceity looks like? What
money buys you in this world? Rud’s a
famous actor.
JOEY
I’ve seen his posters.
ROSS
This has all been jsut one big rollicking
barbeque, but I’d say it’s time we get down
to business.
PHOBE
Always business with you Ross. Some
things never change.
ROSS
Everything changes eventually, Phobe.
That’s science. Entropy.
PAUL RUD
The big picture. I like it.
ROSS
Ross taught me the big picture. No one sees
a bigger picture than God himself.
RACHEL
And I know one thing that God taught
Monica -- love thy brother.
PAUL RUD
Rachel. Is that anyway to treat our guests?
RACHEL
Pick a side, Rud.
PAUL RUD
You know I’d pick yours. Always.
PHOBE
Not always.
Phobe and Rachel stare at each other, rivals.
ROSS
That’s the problem with you women,
always elbowing each other for the closest
seat to the man.
CHANDALF
That’s sexist.
ROSS
Use your eyes, Chandalf. You’re back in the
real world now. Closing your eyes is what put
you there. The truth is ugly.
Joey puts his hand on Chandalf’s shoulder.
JOEY
There’s beauty in ugliness too. I’ll show it to
you. I’ll be there for you...
CHANDALF
Because you’re there for me too.
Chandalf puts his hand on Joey’s.
INT. THE MANSION DINING ROOM - NIGHT
A long table. SERVANTS drop off the food and then leave -- plates of mashed potatoes. A chandelier casts a sparkle over the meal.
PHOBE
You still haven’t told us what’s going on here.
PAUL RUD
Isn’t it obvious? There were always seven
friends. But there are only six of us here.
CHANDALF
Monica...
RACHEL
Ding, ding, ding. Welcome to the party.
PHOBE
Rachel, you knew? Rud told you?
RACHEL
Rud didn’t have to tell me. I told him.
ROSS
I can see why Ross liked you so much, Rachel.
Your bite is as savage as your bark.
CHANDALF
What happened to your baby, Rachel?
RACHEL
I could ask you the same question. Or had
you forgotten?
Chandalf stares at his potatoes.
CHANDALF
My baby...
ROSS
That’s one thing I could never take from
you, Chandalf. I may have seduced Monica,
I may have lived in your house and worn
your clothes, but that baby wouldn’t call me
father, no matter how hard I tried.
CHANDALF
(starting to cry) My baby...my baby. What’s
his name?
JOEY
It’s okay. It’s not your fault.
CHANDALF
Tell me my son’s name!
PAUL RUD
You don’t want to know, Chandalf.
CHANDALF
Tell me his fucking name!
ROSS
All right. His name...is Chandler.
Chandalf buries his head in his hands, sobbing. He stands and throws his plate of mashed potatoes against the wall, it smashes, shatters.
CHANDALF
Go to hell, New Ross. You too, Rachel
and Rud. I don’t care what happens to
Monica. She’s hurt me far beyond
recognition. I don’t owe her anything.
Chandalf turns his back and marches toward the door.
ROSS
It’s not just Monica.
Chandalf stops, he hangs his head.
CHANDALF
I knew it.
ROSS
She’s with Chandler too. She’s with your
child.
Chandalf turns around.
CHANDALF
What do we know?
Rachel tosses Chandalf a fortune cookie. He catches it.
CHANDALF (CONT’D)
I’m not really in a desert kind of mood.
RACHEL
Look inside.
Chandalf breaks open the cookie. He reads the fortune. It just has one word on it -- GALAPAGOS.
CHANDALF
Lucky numbers 5, 13, and 24, huh?
ROSS
Joke all you want, Chandalf. It’s good
to joke. But we leave first thing tomorrow
morning. So get some sleep.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Joey stands in front of the mirror, towel around his waist. He rubs his hand across his now smooth, shaved face. It’s been a long time. He looks almost like his old self.
JOEY
How are you doing, Joey?
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Joey lies in a king size bed, staring up at the canopy. Even the guest rooms at the mansion are five stars.
Joey looks pained, like he’s wrestling with a decison, like something is tormenting him.
He gets up and leaves the bedroom.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Joey holds a candle as he walks down the creaky hallway. He then stops, takes a few steps back to a door. He doesn’t knock, he just pushes it open. He steps inside.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
It’s dark, there is a bed but we can’t see who’s in it.
JOEY
How did I know this was your room?
The light flicks on -- Rachel sits up in bed, she is alone. She wears her underwear.
RACHEL
That’s why you’re here, Joey. You’re
special. You have a gift.
JOEY
I don’t understand.
RACHEL
Neither do I. But here we are. And I know
what you came for.
JOEY
I tried to stop myself.
RACHEL
You were an addict. I was the best you
ever had. You were the best I’ve ever had.
JOEY
Not Rud?
RACHEL
Fuck Rud. You think I love him?
JOEY
I don’t know. I don’t know anything.
I’ve been in a box for eight years. I barely
know my mother’s face anymore.
RACHEL
But you know my body.
JOEY
We’ll see if that’s true.
RACHEL
We’ve talked long enough.
JOEY
My feet are frozen to the ground.
RACHEL
Cold feet. You are different.
Joey walks over to the bed. He leans over. They kiss.
EXT. THE SKY - DAY
A private plane soars above an ocean of bublous clouds.
INT. THE PLANE - DAY
The six friends -- Joey, Ross, Chandalf, Phobe, Rachel, and Rud. Rud wears a suit and drinks a whiskey. Joey gazes out the window, then looks over at Rachel, who is staring back at him. Joey looks away. Suddenly, Phobe sits down next to him.
PHOBE
Be careful.
JOEY
I don’t know waht you’re talking about.
PHOBE
The world’s a bigger, meaner palce than
you remember, J.
JOEY
What do you know about theworld? You’ve
been living in paradise. I’ve been out in the
world. I’ve been in the heart of it all.
PHOBE
You don’t know anything do you? It’s my
error to be surprised. RAchel didn’t join
our marriage, I joined their’s.
JOEY
You can’t fool me, phobe. I married you two. Me. You think I’d forget that? That was the best day of my whole life.
PHOBE
He left me. For Rachel. I spiraled. You
know anything about what the sweet bliss
of a needle into your vein does to dull the pain?
JOEY
Phobe...
PHOBE
Call me a fucking cliche, J. I’ve heard it all
before. Itwas all I had. The only control I had
over my existence was when I got high. And
that was all I ndeeded for a long time.
JOEY
What changed?
PHOBE
You remember German Coffee Man?
JOEY
Of course. We practically lived in his cafe house.
The one with the table and couch? Two chairs, one
on either end, like ears on your favorite dog, letting
you know you’re home, that you’re safe.
PHOBE
German Coffee Man, we crossed paths again, in
the maze of narcotics. He was my shooting partner.
He protected my second amendment right to shoot
fucking poison into my husk of a body, J.
JOEY
Was there nothing more to life than getting loaded?
PHOBE
There wasn’t. But there was death too.
JOEY
German Coffee Man.
PHOBE
There’s the poison in your veins that you
want, and then there’s the kind you don’t.
Who knows what that shit was. The
doctor’s wouldn’t even look at him.
JOEY
Health care is a problem for people like
me. Like German Coffee Man, like you
when you were with him.
PHOBE
America the beautiful.
JOEY
I sang that over his grave.
PHOBE
How could you have?
JOEY
I slept in graveyards, before the box, before
the alley. I was already dead, waht did it
matter? I saw his grave. I sang for him.
America the beautiful.
PHOBE
That’s a mysterious coincidence that I said
America the beautiful.
JOEY
Yeah, those have been happening a lot lately.
A little too often if you ask me.
PHOBE
When German Coffee Man died, that was
my wake up call back to the land of the living.
I had no one else but Rud and Rachel. I
begged them, pleaded, to be taken in. I started
as their servant, living in the guest house,
clearing their dinner table, mopping their floors.
JOEY
A servant? But for how long?
PHOBE
I don’t know, J. Every clean day felt like a year.
But I perservered. Somehow. I didn’t need a
meeting, I didn’t need a chip. I just needed tasks
for idle hands.
JOEY
Then what changed?
PHOBE
Rud. Rud’s a man, J. I’m certain you know
of the pull of the almighty libido. Libidinous
Rud. After all, he had once had me. I was in
his veins like the dark kiss of heroin had been
in mine. His craving boiled back. He had to
have us both.
JOEY
I’ve been Rud. If I had only been Rud I would
not have banished myself.
PHOBE
It started as an exercise in physicality. In
sexual desire. Athletic endeavours in lust.
JOEY
A modern Caligula?
PHOBE
A modern Achilees. Herculeus.
JOEY
Rud? Rachel told me I was the best she’d
ever been with.
PHOBE
Which I why I warn you. She wears two
faces, maybe more.
JOEY
I don’t know what to believe.
Joey gazes back at the window again.
PHOBE
Galapagos will tell us what to believe.
Joey snaps back to look at Phobe. She smiles, then gets up.
ROSS
There it is!
Ross points out the window, and sure enough, an island. A land in the sea like an oasis in the desert.
ROSS (CONT’D)
The birthplace of evolution. Dr. Darwin.
Where life began.
PAUL RUD
The cradle of civilization.
RACHEL
A strange homecoming for New Ross. The
next step in evolition, making a pilgrimage
to the where evoliutaon was first invented.
ROSS
It is my mecca.
PAUL RUD
It will be all of ours.
Joey and Chandalf share a look. What have they gotten themselves intO?
END OF EPISODE 1
